Saturday, March 6th, 2010—Bar 55

Day 55—Friday, March 5th
The bar at the Water Club Restaurant
I’m meeting my parents again tonight for dinner. Today I was swamped with errands, paying bills, scratching my toes, rubbing my ear lobes and pulling up my socks that I didn’t have time to go to a bar. So I thought I’d do the bar at the place where we’re going out to dinner. My mom and dad don’t know it yet, but they’re not only going out to eat with me, they’re going to be part of the 365 bar crawl. Hello Muddah, hello Faddah!
Here's the hotel my folks are staying at in midtown. We're going to have a pre-dinner drink there.

Obligatory elevator mirror self-portrait!

And here we are, the twelfth floor.

And here they are, my mom and dad enjoying a drink neat the mini-bar in the room! Welcome to New York, mom and dad, cheers!

I surprised them by dressing up for dinner. Here I am with my mom performing my suspended Budweiser over the head trick. (Kids, don't try this at home.)

By magic of the internet and a swift taxi, here we are, The Water Club restaurant and bar.

I guess they don't want people smoking pot before dinner. You'd think they'd encourage it, people would order more.

Here we are at dinner and we were lucky enough to get a window seat here. The view is spectacular from here.

It was tough to get a photo through the window, but here's one without the flash that shows you what we were looking at. Really beautiful.

My mom always gets a dish of ice cream for dessert, and my dad always hopes she can't finish it, so he can do clean up duty.

And tonight he's in luck! Okay, enough of this dinner crap, we need to get to the bar pronto.

And here we are, it's a classy yet comfortable place.

Nicalina was the beautiful and friendly bartender on duty.

Fire!

Lisa and John were enjoying the fire in the lounge area.

The talented and friendly Robert Mosci is the nightly piano man at the bar. My mom requested "Purple Haze," but he had trouble getting feedback from the piano, so he performed, "Chicago" in honor of our midwestern roots. Check out Robert's website here: Robert Mosci Website.

Max and Jessica were relaxing on the couch, enjoying a drink and Robert's piano stylings.

Liam and Nisa live here in Manhattan and were enjoying a drink at the bar. Cheers!

And there's two familiar faces! Time for a family portrait at the bar.

It's the Wombacher's! Once again, kids, don't try the suspended Budweiser trick at home, it took me years of training to perfect. Goodnight everybody!

Join me on an elevator ride at my folks hotel. Fun, fun, fun!

Review

The breathtaking view is reason enough to visit the Water Club in New York City. The restaurant overlooks the East River and the large windows that line the perimeter of the wall showcase this stunning view. If you’re lucky enough to get a table with a window view you get a great view of the East River, the Brooklyn Bridge and the Brooklyn skyline. As the sun goes down watching the lights go up on the bridge and buildings and reflected into the water is a show unto itself.

The restaurant is spacious and you have plenty of room between tables. The waiters are friendly and swift and the menu includes Lobster Bisque (and take it from me, it’s the best in town!), a Raw Bar featuring Littleneck Or Cherrystone Clams, Shrimp Cocktai and a Chilled Ocean Platter with a selection of lobster, clams, oysters, shrimp and lump crab. Some of the entrees include, Olive Oil Poached Halibu, 14 Oz. Rib Eye Double Cut Colorado Lamb Chops and Maine Lobster with an 8 ounce Filet Mignon.

The bar at the water club is as nice as the restaurant. In keeping with the restaurant’s name, the bar has an aquatic theme with large models and pictures of boats on the river decorating the classy saloon. There’s a full bar, a lounge area with a roaring fireplace and comfortable chairs, couches and nightly live piano music by Robert Mosci. They have a full bar, a wide array of bottled and draft beer and a nice wine list. You can eat at the bar and the bar menu includes a steak sandwich, the Water Club burger and crab cakes. The place is a popular after work spot and on a lot of tourists must-see places. When you experience the Water Club, you’ll see why.

The Water Club
The East River At 30th St. (@ FDR Dr)
212-683-3333

Friday, November 19th, 2010—Bar 40

Day 40—Thursday, February 18th

Niles

I thought tonight I’d start something new that I’m going to do every once in a while. Instead of looking for a cool or different type of bar, I’m going to go to one that you should avoid like the plague. There’s at least a couple thousand bars in Manhattan, so you don’t need to be wasting your time in a watered-down watering hole. Every week or so, I’m going to do a posting I’m calling, “Why the fuck would anyone waste their time or money in this fucking shithole?”

Location is an important factor in New York. I work real close to Penn Station and Madison Square Garden and you want to avoid the bars in this area like a pus-riddled, syphilitic vagina. They’re all boring, overpriced and packed with enough assholes to make even one beer in any of these joints unbearable. Or should I say unbeerable?

There’s a whole strip of worthless cookie-cutter bars around where I work, but the one I hate the most is a bar called Niles. It’s right around the corner and whenever there is an afterwork get together, they usually happen at this place. I don’t go to these anymore because I work nights and by the time I get there everyone is shitfaced and it’s not much of a picnic walking into a scene like that. I remember one of the last one’s I went to and it was really bad. I walked up to the bar and—I don’t want to call anyone out on the carpet, so let’s just call this guy, “Frank”—Frank was stumbling in front of the bar. I remember being amazed he was so fucked up and after I said hi to him he put his arm around me and then in 100 proof breath shouted/slurred in my ear, “There’s a story in there!”

Oh there was a story in there alright, it was the story of about half a dozen of my co-workers who were so shitfaced they would never remember seeing me in there the next day. I walked in and—again, I’m going to be discreet here, because I don’t want to embarass anyone and this guy has generously donated to this site, so let’s just call him, “Happy Cappy”—Happy Cappy jumps on me and starts humping me from behind like we’re having man on man, co-worker sex. And it was all downhill from there. And you know when it goes downhill from being dry-humped by a co-worker, it’s pretty motherfucking bad. So I just don’t go anymore.

Anyway, I’m going to punch out now and we’ll walk around the block and into a place where we’ll wonder, “Why the fuck would anyone waste their time or money in this fucking shithole?”

Why the fuck would anyone waste their time or money in this fucking shithole? Episode One.

Here we are at Niles. You can only see the silhouette of this jerkoff, but he's actuallywearing an ascot! Get back to Bumblefuck, Idaho, asshole!

It's really fucking bright in here and any seasoned tavern traveler knows that bars should be dark. You're trying to pick up drunken people that you don't want to see in the morning, so no one needs brightness in this equation.

The bartenders are nice guys in here but...

They charge seven motherfucking dollars for a bottle of Budweiser in this place! Seven bucks for a bottle of Bud? Hey Bartender, I'm having a "Full Metal Jacket" moment here as I want to ask you why you don't have the common courtesy to give me a reach around while you're fucking me up the ass!

It’s louder than fuckall in here. They keep the music at level so everyone has to shout and it’s impossible to hear in here. Plus the music sucks. Do you know what’s playing right now? “Old Time Rock ‘N’ Roll” by Bob Seger. Do you know why Bob Seger likes the old time rock ‘n’ roll? Because he’s about 87-years-old! I’ve always hated this guy and the one song of his that kills me is, “Turn The Page.” It’s a song about how tough it is being out "on the road.” Gee, I really feel sorry for you Bob! I'll tell you what, instead of going out "on the road," how about we trade places. You can come and work my second shift job and catch shit from everyone and their brother's sister and I'll go out "on the road" and suffer through having to fly first class to four star hotels to working 90 minutes a night singing inane shit about old time rock and roll and then going back to the four star hotel and ordering expensive room service and drinks while some shit-faced groupie slobbers all over my knob. Yes, I'm willing to do this for you, Bob. Have your people call my people and then take that old music off the shelf and shove it directly up your ass.

Check out Niles website: Niles Bullshit Bar. You can see the menu for this place there. One of the items is a cheese plate for two. It costs 15 bucks! Fifteen dollars for a plate of cheese? For that kind of money I could buy a case of Velveeta and a crack whore to give me a reach around.

Speaking of the menu, they have a children's menu at this place. I HATE bars that encourage people to bring their demon seeds along. Bars are no place for kids. Everytime I see someone bring their fucking kids to a bar I want to get the name of their children's nusery school so I can show up with a twelve pack and a fifth of rock gut whiskey and throw up all over the class while performing my own version of "Show and Smell." This drunken tourist just stepped in between me and my beer and has been negotiating his tab for about five minutes with the bartender. Hi asshole!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so they've got Andy Richter and Lou Reed's high school jersey's on display, big fucking deal. I'm never coming back and I wonder...“Why the fuck would anyone waste their time or money in this fucking shithole?” Goodnight everybody!

Review

Don’t go here. They charge seven bucks for a motherfucking bottle of Bud and don’t have the common courtesy to give you a reach around. And they charge fifteen bucks for a plate of cheese! Moe, Larry...cheese!


Niles
371 7th Avenue (Right in the heart of assholeville)
212-290-2460