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January 23, 2010—Bar 13

Day Thirteen—Friday, January 22nd—House of Brews

My friend Karla Zimmerman donated 20 bucks from Chicago. Karla’s a travel writer and has drank beer all over the world and I’m hoping she’ll join me when I take this crawl to Chicago in June. Thanks Karla!

And speaking of money, I’m going to use some of the donations generously sent in to buy a 101 ounce bottle of beer. And no, for once that’s not a typo, I found a bar near Times Square called the House of Brews that has a shitload of variety’s of beer and one of them is called “Stone Double Bastard,” and it’s 101 ounces of foamy delight! And it costs one hundred bucks. So it’s about a dollar an ounce. I can identify with this beer not only because it’s loaded with alcohol, but because several ex-girlfriends have called me a stone double bastard at various stages in our soon to be doomed relationships.

And speaking of relationships,
I’m joined tonight by a couple who met on my original website, The Marty Wombacher Show, Jason Hwang and Zioum Zioum the Chainsaw! Both were contributers and frequent commentators (Zioum Zioum coined the phrase “Jesus Hole” over there) and despite the fact that Zioum Zioum lives in France and Jason’s here in New York, they’ve become a romantical type couple. Woo hoo. Okay, enough about them let’s go get that motherfucking 101 ounce of beer!

Here's the bar, located in the heart of the Theater District near Times Square.

The bar sign above the bar.

And another sign announcing the specials that are available that night.

Wow, it's crowded in here tonight, I hope I can find Jason and Zioum Zioum.

And here they are, Jason and Zioum Zioum the Chainsaw! Woo hoo! And now the trouble begins. I try to order the 101 ounce beer and the waitress acts like I'm some kind of a nutjob and tells me that it's not on the menu She said it must've been on the other House of Brews menu.

Well we were at the 46th street House of Brews and here's their online menu. Let's take a closer look, shall we.

Hey House of Brews, here's a little hint in running a bar that claims to have tons of specialty beers: If you don't actually have the beer and your own waitstaff knows nothing about it, don't put it on the fucking menu! So we order a different beer and then the shit really hits the fan in this fucking dump. I go to the front of the bar to take photos of some of the luckless patrons of this piece of shit bar and the first two people I ask are more than happy to pose for a photograph. But before I take it, the bartender screams at me to put the camera away because, in his words, "You can't do that shit in here!" I ask him why I can't take a photo of two people who want their photo taken and he screams back, "Because you can't do that shit in here." Once again I ask him why and he screams back: "Because I said so." He asks if I want to see a manager, but at this point i had had enough of this bullshit. I know I didn't make my quota of drinking four beers and spending an hour in here, but I feel like I can add it to the list. Fifteen minutes in this hellhole is the equivalent of drinking a keg of rotgut whiskey for an eternity in bar hell. Onto the next tavern!


Okay, here’s my experience in this fucking dump: I go there ready to spend over a hundred dollars, then get told that the giant bottle of beer they advertise has never been heard of by the waitress and then when I’m trying to take photos of people for this website, I’m more or less kicked out of this shithole, and the people wanted their photo taken, for fuck’s sake! So to sum it up, I go there ready to spend lots of dough and give them free publicity and they treat me like seven pounds of dog shit and more or less throw me out because I’m going to give them free publicity. Hey, House of Brews, that’s really a SMART way to run a hospitality business...IN BIZARRO BAR WORLD! Fuck this place, don’t go there!

I’ll be fucked if I publish the address or phone number of this fucking dump. DON’T GO THERE!

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Reader Comments (27)

Well, I guess there is some truth to the superstion of Friday the 13th! I'll scratch this place off my list as well! Better luck tonight!

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBarfly

The joke's on you, Marty. Their address and phone # are prominently displayed on the menu you posted.

Thanks for pointing that out You can't. They're now prominently crossed out. Cheers!

January 23, 2010 | Registered Commenter365 Beers

Fuck this Cunthole! Hope they go out of buisness! On another note.........it is great to see Jason and Zioum......I remember them from your old show but why is Zioum called Chainsaw? What has she sawed off? If I were Jason,I would be a tad concerned! Good to see all three of you attempting to have a good time! So far.......I like the Ass Juice Bar the Best!

People just suck! Especially the ones who hold positions in the customer service field. Not that I live in New York, or frequent bars, but I will make a point of definitely NOT going there when I'm in New York. Thanks for the tip.

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

LOL, it had to happen sometime. Cheers to the happy couple. (Shit I'm using teen-speak, going AFK to ponder my existence.)

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertiefighter25

At least Zioum Zioum and Jason had a good time. This is one bar I'll be happy to avoid if I ever make it to NYC.

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJaws the Cabbie

jesus fuck marty that fucking blows.....
but at least jason and zioum after super adorable! and its soo good to see what other marty regulars look like...
my myspace(and rodneys) got my best friend married to a guy with a dog named gidget..

you did good and they look cute:)

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGidget

How stupid can a Bar Staff be? You cannot take a picture in the bar? Can't order a high price item? Can't have a good time? Why the fuck be in buisness! FUCK THIS JOINT!


What a Dump!

I wonder if Jason got a taste of Paris?

It was nice to meet you Marty !! Indeed What a jesus hole bar!!! haha but I had a good time with you & Jason!!! And I love NYC and I got home drunk (The Chimay I drank fucked my brain up ! hahaha!!)

Professor, "Zioum Zioum" is the noise of a chainsaw, it happened a morning where I opened my email box and realized I got "only" 150 spams and stupid emails from 'so-called' friends sending chain emails (you know, send this email to 50 people of your list contact or you will get bad sex for 5 years...etc) And I heard in my mind "Chain...Chain... Chainsaw!! Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiioum Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiioum !!!!" And I wrote an email to all my contacts to tell them it was so bad that the new computer technology still doesn't permit to chop assholes up with just "clicking" your "mouse chainsaw" and I deleted my email box and lost 90% of my "friends" ! After that I used to yell "Zioum Zioum" at people face or things pissing me off. Then my dad told me I was a motherfucking extraterrestrial woman, and i decided to create the Zioum extraterestrial race and to write a book...
I'm not from Paris, but from Toulouse!!! ;)

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZioum Zioum The Chainsaw

This looks like a place that Vince, the sham-wow guy would frequent. Boo! Here's for a better tomorrow, Marty!

January 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAsh

Fuck that place. I know their fucking toilets were dirty. Bartender sounds like a VERY IMPORTANT man. What a fuckin dick head. Big important bartender. Here is to your death, Mr. note in my bar. Fuck your bar.

January 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterthennessey

Fuck , I just woke up & went to check this out , & now I want a Beer , maybe I will sneak out of bed & not wake Zioum Zioum & have one , Cheers .

January 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJHwang

I want to denunce Jason here, he drank all beers at home, and no more beer for me.... So I will enclose him in the cage with some cat food and go to drink beers with Marty !! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA MOUHAHAHAHAHA (hell laugh)

January 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZioum Zioum The Chainsaw

I'm SOOOOOO glad they didn't have your $100 beer. No money for YOU, bartending motherfucker!

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBiff

Chicago in June? Look me up, I'm good for a pub crawl!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

I've been to House of Brews many times. They're a nice place, and I've always had good service there. It's too bad they didn't have the beer you wanted but is it really worth this temper tantrum? With the constant fuck this and fuck that? If this is how you acted in the bar, it's no wonder they wanted nothing to do with you. With your bitter reviews and the fact that you're disseminating your face so widely, don't be surprised if places start not letting you in. You seem like a very angry person, and they tend not to like serving people like that. (And before some tired opinionist screams discrimination, let me cut that off at the start--yes, a bar has every right in the world to ban Screamy McFuckYou from their premises, so long as it's not based on color, religion or some other protected class.)

March 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterYee

Hey Yee, that's weird, you have the same I.P. address as M. No, I wasn't screaming in there, I politely asked two people if I could take their picture and the bartender started yelling at me. I had two friends there as witnesses. I commented back to you when you were M at another post on here, but if you don't like my site, there's plenty of other place on the internet to go. If I don't like a TV show, I change the channel. And at least I use my real name when I post things on the internet.

March 10, 2010 | Registered Commenter365 Beers

LOL !!!!
I was there this day with Marty Wombacher, I came from France to be part of this 365 bars adventure. It was my first trip out of France and my first bar in NYC, I've been so chocked to be welcome this way...
Respect & politeness should be always the first rules of a business. NYC is a big city and even with a bad reputation a bar will still get customers, that's not the case where I live (5th bigger city in France). I saw allot of bars closed due to their desagreable way to talk to customers.
But thanks Jesushole, Marty is not French!! Because the angry hotblood french doesn't take the time to write an article... Ohhh no! The french is nuts and punch! lol

I'd have been pissed off too! You're trying to spend money and give them free publicity and this is the thanks you get?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDave O.

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