Day Thirteen—Friday, January 22nd—House of Brews
My friend Karla Zimmerman donated 20 bucks from Chicago. Karla’s a travel writer and has drank beer all over the world and I’m hoping she’ll join me when I take this crawl to Chicago in June. Thanks Karla!
And speaking of money, I’m going to use some of the donations generously sent in to buy a 101 ounce bottle of beer. And no, for once that’s not a typo, I found a bar near Times Square called the House of Brews that has a shitload of variety’s of beer and one of them is called “Stone Double Bastard,” and it’s 101 ounces of foamy delight! And it costs one hundred bucks. So it’s about a dollar an ounce. I can identify with this beer not only because it’s loaded with alcohol, but because several ex-girlfriends have called me a stone double bastard at various stages in our soon to be doomed relationships.
And speaking of relationships, I’m joined tonight by a couple who met on my original website, The Marty Wombacher Show, Jason Hwang and Zioum Zioum the Chainsaw! Both were contributers and frequent commentators (Zioum Zioum coined the phrase “Jesus Hole” over there) and despite the fact that Zioum Zioum lives in France and Jason’s here in New York, they’ve become a romantical type couple. Woo hoo. Okay, enough about them let’s go get that motherfucking 101 ounce of beer!
Here's the bar, located in the heart of the Theater District near Times Square.
The bar sign above the bar.
And another sign announcing the specials that are available that night.
Wow, it's crowded in here tonight, I hope I can find Jason and Zioum Zioum.
And here they are, Jason and Zioum Zioum the Chainsaw! Woo hoo! And now the trouble begins. I try to order the 101 ounce beer and the waitress acts like I'm some kind of a nutjob and tells me that it's not on the menu She said it must've been on the other House of Brews menu.
Well we were at the 46th street House of Brews and here's their online menu. Let's take a closer look, shall we.
Hey House of Brews, here's a little hint in running a bar that claims to have tons of specialty beers: If you don't actually have the beer and your own waitstaff knows nothing about it, don't put it on the fucking menu! So we order a different beer and then the shit really hits the fan in this fucking dump. I go to the front of the bar to take photos of some of the luckless patrons of this piece of shit bar and the first two people I ask are more than happy to pose for a photograph. But before I take it, the bartender screams at me to put the camera away because, in his words, "You can't do that shit in here!" I ask him why I can't take a photo of two people who want their photo taken and he screams back, "Because you can't do that shit in here." Once again I ask him why and he screams back: "Because I said so." He asks if I want to see a manager, but at this point i had had enough of this bullshit. I know I didn't make my quota of drinking four beers and spending an hour in here, but I feel like I can add it to the list. Fifteen minutes in this hellhole is the equivalent of drinking a keg of rotgut whiskey for an eternity in bar hell. Onto the next tavern!
Okay, here’s my experience in this fucking dump: I go there ready to spend over a hundred dollars, then get told that the giant bottle of beer they advertise has never been heard of by the waitress and then when I’m trying to take photos of people for this website, I’m more or less kicked out of this shithole, and the people wanted their photo taken, for fuck’s sake! So to sum it up, I go there ready to spend lots of dough and give them free publicity and they treat me like seven pounds of dog shit and more or less throw me out because I’m going to give them free publicity. Hey, House of Brews, that’s really a SMART way to run a hospitality business...IN BIZARRO BAR WORLD! Fuck this place, don’t go there!
House of Brews—THE WORST BAR IN THE WORLD!
I’ll be fucked if I publish the address or phone number of this fucking dump. DON’T GO THERE!